Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Last night while falling asleep I was pondering this blog and trying to figure out how vulnerable I'm willing to be this next year. Ken's worried that I'm too thoughtful and that it'll made him look dumb. Hardly.

If I want this blog to reflect this year accurately I know that the internal journey is just as important as this external one that we're on. But to reveal the places my thinking goes, the struggles, the victories (but especially the struggles) is scary! I'm conscious that once posted, an entry is out there and I can't really take it back and you all suddenly have more power in my life. (Not that any of you will use it for harm!)

However frightening, there's also a part of me that loves honesty, loves vulnerablity, loves a true story. Because ultimately as we tell our story in all it's colours it gives others freedom to tell their stories in all it's colours and true community is born. Not community built on what we think we "ought" to be but built on who we really are in the here and now. The past, present and future us rolled up in an excuisite, beautiful, messy knot.

The stage is set and the story begins...

This journey has partially been born out of a restlessness in me this last winter. As Ken and I explored the possibilities of going elsewhere for a year things quickly fell into place and started to ressemble a "holy set up" and that we'd in fact stumbled into something that was in God's heart for us. Stumbled is a good word I think because I rarely feel very spiritual, I'm not some great woman of prayer, and the Bible (although an amazing book) hasn't been a part of my daily life for a while. (I wish it was).

Now here we are only 14 or so days from arriving in Yukon to start our "year of living adventurously" and I am excited, anxious, and nervous. What if we were wrong? What if this was just me wanting to add crisis to my life and not a"holy set up"? I wonder if this is just a premature midlife crisis and instead of God saying "GO!", I've missed Him saying, "NO!".

Why the self/God doubt? I think for too long I've looked to people who I perceive as spiritual to get my direction from. My fault, not theirs. And really, although we've had all kinds of positive feedback from people we love and respect about this trek, this has been a decision Ken and I have made on our own. I think I'm in a long season of learning to trust in my friendship with God and that ultimately I can trust Him to direct us not because of our great spirituality but because of His great love for us. I find that very comforting and freeing. Comforting because HE's the net under the tight rope we're walking, and freeing because HEY! We're walking on a tightrope! We can take risks and if we fall He is there. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz oh what a relief it is!

Now that the God and me anxiety issue is settled, what about the other things I'm nervous about? What about the fact that I'm going back to live by my Mom and step Dad and a couple of my sisters (and their families) for the first time in 20 years? Will our relationships grow stronger or does absence really make the heart grow fonder? What if we all drive each other crazy? I doubt it, but what if? And how about living in a town of 800 people? How do you do that? I have to admit I like my anonymity. But being the new people in town won't afford me much of that! And here's another tangled knot I have to work at undoing - I'm FAT! All of you who know me love me anyway but what about the new people I'm about to meet? Will they see that my weight is not the sum total of who I am? And frankly I'm tired of having to "tap dance" to impress people with my personality because I'm afraid they can't see past the weight issue. (That's a whole other blog entry!)

There, how's that for honesty? But at the end of the day although these things nag at me they aren't stopping me from moving forward. If I spend too much time dwelling on the things that scare the hell out of me I lose the ability to enjoy the moments we're having right now. And besides, with three kids (ages 6-10), and a husband (forever young!) I'm too busy helping the kids with their anxieties and parenting with Ken to spend much time on my worries. In a post coming up I'll let you know how the kids are doing with all of this (although our Will has done a better job than either of us could telling you how he feels!). It's been interesting to see how they are handling all the change.


Thank you that I can throw all my anxieties at you and you can take it. Thank you that you throw peace my way. I can take that! I love you.

until next time...



  1. Hi Dianna...once again I got a few tears and some great giggles from your entry. Seems to be my new great read. I don't read a lot, but when something moves me I can't get enough. Please...I hope you don't mind me popping in on your life and adventures but it is very inspirational to read. I have never met Ken...but I would say you are correct on the "hardly" dumb. I hope you can keep blogging for everyone in your life to feel close to you where ever you are. My daughter lived in Chile for a year and just got back in June. Her blog was my life line to her. Keep up the good work!!! Dawn Jamison

  2. Your courage is fantastic. Maybe you know this but I love people who are honest. Yes even fat people. I have been on a different adventure and your prayers have been a part of that and it has made a difference. I love people more than I ever have. And right now I am really missing you. And Ken too. I wish I could take back some of the painful years and put more love into them.
    Anyway I read your blog with joy and enthusiasm. It is a treat like home made cold ice tea (on of my favorites) on a hot summer's day. I can hear your words and feel your tenderness, even though we are miles part.
    Look forward to hearing more.
    Eric Thielmann

  3. Di,

    Holy set-up or a love of crisis...God still has your back!!! ...just be reminded of what you wrote later on in the blog entry...tight-rope... woot woot !!!
    And as far as the heart growing fonder or distant with being closer to family ...you and I both know that Winnipeg or the Junction...you won't see as much of family as you hope or think...special occasions mostly. Your heart will stay fonder and grow fonder my friend.

    Besides, what is not to love?


  4. Now there's the Dianna I know and love! Looking forward to more vulnerable posts and honest ramblings. That's where the life is...

  5. Town of 800 - been there, done that, fled! Actually, occasionally when I visit the town of my youth I am genuinely jealous of the sense of community that for some reason is lacking in a city of 690 000. I think there is a pro/con tradeoff as everybody knows everybody else's business. However, you'll probably come away better.

    I've often wondered how I can be sure of whether I'm doing what God wants when it doesn't seem obvious at all. A friend once told me of a book she was reading in which the writer said there is no way we can know for sure what God is saying. It was relieving as I was under the impression that everyone else knew and I was somehow spiritually defective. Since then, I've come to a kind of peace about not being sure, because I do think God loves me, and I do think he knows that things are not clear for us, so I have confidence that he will work through all things even if I think he's leading when he's not or I miss the signals or whatever. What I'm saying is, I don't think it matters if you are adding crisis to your life. He will still be with you. He will still bless you. He will still work through the circumstances.

    Blessings to you!

  6. Oh Dianna,

    I can so clearly hear your voice in your writing. Your honesty is so refreshing ... and so "you".

    What an incredible adventure for you, Ken and the kids. Enjoy!


  7. Thanks to all for your kindness. Dawn - Chile? Wow! You are more than welcome to join us on the blog of this crazy trek! Eric - I LOVE YOU! I'd been meaning to touch base with you guys before we left but I suck at getting it all done! Dan - which Dan? Please let me know because you I can't figure it out! Karla, I miss you. Plain and simple, I miss you. You are one of my Velveteen Rabbits. Jude, you get it! Thanks for that. Lisa, I love you as well as that ol' boy Eric. You are a beautiful woman.

  8. Dianna,
    All you've ever had to be with people in order for them to love you, is YOU. We love you because you don't "tap dance" or claim to be, as you said "a great woman of prayer". But you being you has made at least 800 follow and love you, whats 800 more?
    Many hugs and prayers,
    PS Remind Brenna if she's pressed for cash she can do manicures and torment her customers until they pay!!

  9. Wow - didn't know you were so eloquent sis... must tune in often to read you... loving it. Many hugs and kisses... so glad you and the fam are here finally. Love you,