Last night while falling asleep I was pondering this blog and trying to figure out how vulnerable I'm willing to be this next year. Ken's worried that I'm too thoughtful and that it'll made him look dumb. Hardly.
If I want this blog to reflect this year accurately I know that the internal journey is just as important as this external one that we're on. But to reveal the places my thinking goes, the struggles, the victories (but especially the struggles) is scary! I'm conscious that once posted, an entry is out there and I can't really take it back and you all suddenly have more power in my life. (Not that any of you will use it for harm!)
However frightening, there's also a part of me that loves honesty, loves vulnerablity, loves a true story. Because ultimately as we tell our story in all it's colours it gives others freedom to tell their stories in all it's colours and true community is born. Not community built on what we think we "ought" to be but built on who we really are in the here and now. The past, present and future us rolled up in an excuisite, beautiful, messy knot.
The stage is set and the story begins...
This journey has partially been born out of a restlessness in me this last winter. As Ken and I explored the possibilities of going elsewhere for a year things quickly fell into place and started to ressemble a "holy set up" and that we'd in fact stumbled into something that was in God's heart for us. Stumbled is a good word I think because I rarely feel very spiritual, I'm not some great woman of prayer, and the Bible (although an amazing book) hasn't been a part of my daily life for a while. (I wish it was).
Now here we are only 14 or so days from arriving in Yukon to start our "year of living adventurously" and I am excited, anxious, and nervous. What if we were wrong? What if this was just me wanting to add crisis to my life and not a"holy set up"? I wonder if this is just a premature midlife crisis and instead of God saying "GO!", I've missed Him saying, "NO!".
Why the self/God doubt? I think for too long I've looked to people who I perceive as spiritual to get my direction from. My fault, not theirs. And really, although we've had all kinds of positive feedback from people we love and respect about this trek, this has been a decision Ken and I have made on our own. I think I'm in a long season of learning to trust in my friendship with God and that ultimately I can trust Him to direct us not because of our great spirituality but because of His great love for us. I find that very comforting and freeing. Comforting because HE's the net under the tight rope we're walking, and freeing because HEY! We're walking on a tightrope! We can take risks and if we fall He is there. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz oh what a relief it is!
Now that the God and me anxiety issue is settled, what about the other things I'm nervous about? What about the fact that I'm going back to live by my Mom and step Dad and a couple of my sisters (and their families) for the first time in 20 years? Will our relationships grow stronger or does absence really make the heart grow fonder? What if we all drive each other crazy? I doubt it, but what if? And how about living in a town of 800 people? How do you do that? I have to admit I like my anonymity. But being the new people in town won't afford me much of that! And here's another tangled knot I have to work at undoing - I'm FAT! All of you who know me love me anyway but what about the new people I'm about to meet? Will they see that my weight is not the sum total of who I am? And frankly I'm tired of having to "tap dance" to impress people with my personality because I'm afraid they can't see past the weight issue. (That's a whole other blog entry!)
There, how's that for honesty? But at the end of the day although these things nag at me they aren't stopping me from moving forward. If I spend too much time dwelling on the things that scare the hell out of me I lose the ability to enjoy the moments we're having right now. And besides, with three kids (ages 6-10), and a husband (forever young!) I'm too busy helping the kids with their anxieties and parenting with Ken to spend much time on my worries. In a post coming up I'll let you know how the kids are doing with all of this (although our Will has done a better job than either of us could telling you how he feels!). It's been interesting to see how they are handling all the change.
Thank you that I can throw all my anxieties at you and you can take it. Thank you that you throw peace my way. I can take that! I love you.
until next time...